Early Signs Your Baby will be Ridiculously Successful

Every parent wonders if their baby will grow up to be successful. Thanks to recent breakthroughs in brain scan technology and personality tests, scientists and child psychologists were able to accurately identify early signs that a baby will grow up to be extremely successful.

While the full study is set to be published in next month’s Journal of Über Babies, the summarized signs are listed below with supplemental cartoons.

1. Your baby has a strong work ethic

Baby Cartoon: “It started with take-your-kid-to-work day, and two years later here I am.

You bring your baby to work and they remain there until their teens, beating out a recent business-school grad for a mid-level management position.

2. Your baby has artistic talent

Your baby becomes a self-taught fine artist, eventually abandoning classical schools of art in favor of Soviet-era avant-garde expressionism.

3. Your baby works for the Pentagon

Your baby is recruited by the defense department as a wunderkind taxonomy analyst with a top-secret security clearance.

4. Your baby is a billionaire

Babies with a net worth over $1 billion dollars were found to be 99% more likely than their kindergarten peers to become ridiculously successful.

5. Your baby is idealistic

Infants with the urge to work for a cause greater than themselves are more likely to succeed than selfish, thumb-sucking, me-me-me babies.

6. Your baby has foresight

Your baby thinks about future consequences of today’s actions. And although constant consideration of future consequences and possibilities is a daunting drain on their mind, they understand that it’s a necessary undertaking, because a discontent soul is a soul in forward motion. (Sigh…)

7. Your baby loves to tinker

Your baby has an itch to learn everything possible about any object that falls into their lap. According to parent interviews, 8 out of the 10 babies on Forbes’ annual list of “10 Under 10” regularly satisfy their curiosity by hoarding useless things.

8. Your baby is an early adopter of tech

Your baby moved to San Francisco without your permission and founded a start-up. Before your baby can even walk straight, their start-up company is already valued at $2 billion and is catching the attention of potential buyers such as Facebook and Google.

9. Your baby is extremely self-aware

Your baby is unusually self-aware for their age. They proactively identify opportunities for improvement and seek outside help. Your baby embraces and pursues personal growth while their Pre-K toddler friends continue to deny their own weight and identity issues.

10. Your baby is unconventional

Your baby doesn’t follow the path society has laid out for them. They seek to carve their own way, even if it involves trekking through the lonesome plateaus of Tibet for six months on a diet of camel milk and dung beetles. Such is the ridiculously successful baby life.