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"Johnsons, you're finally here! Were you able to find that starboard turn at fifteen fathoms forward of the second league?"#326
"What do those Wall Street gurus say about the probability of us ever going out to dinner again?"#300
"'Rebel,' 'outcast,' call me whatsoever you wish, if anything--but my own path I shall carve in this world, and my own life I shall live!"#294
"Rumor has it that they doped the shots with a chemical that suppresses our bonus expectations."#264
"Our new healthcare software--with its daily colon-cleansing feature--has shown significant cost benefits."#262
(Plane seating: First, Business, Economy, Financial Responsibility, At Least You Have Your Health.)#253
"1500: The skies above are awash with morbid rounds. The stench of combat pierces the crisp, clear air of winter."#235
"With us today to discuss current social media trends is noted Facebook scholar Dr. Zack Sahudi, and head of NYU's Twitter doctoral program, Professor Arthur Shmenk."#216
"Walmart today announced its roadmap for a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine conflicts; it also announced a 99-cent special one-day promotion for frozen chicken nuggets."#208
"Good evening. Tonight's international news will be delivered by our foreign correspondent, live and naked in Tangier."#206
"I don't get it--it's okay for him to drive, but when I try to take the wheel all hell breaks loose."#203
(Soldier is rappelling down an obstacle wall and finds another soldier sleeping in a climber's tent.)#195
"I find that turning off the lights in my office saves energy and makes it a hellava lot easier to take a nap!"#178
"Frank learned the hard way that when Tiffany Kuwolsky wrote 'K.I.T.' in his yearbook, she didn't actually mean it."#173
"OK, it's agreed then--our Corporate Sustainability Committee will be replaced by a Corporate Survival Committee."#142
(Unpopular Magazines: Sports Injuries, Modern Plowing, Second-Hand Men's Clothing Monthly, Mildew World, Drunk Life.)#139
"Good morning! A fog of uncertainty will settle over Washington this afternoon, as the budget debate continues. In the southeast, a storm of foreclosures is expected to move in after midnight while there's no end in sight to the fiscal drought on the West#134
"If he'd stopped smoking 20 years ago, he'd be alive today--She never saw a piece of cheesecake she didn't like."#109
"Couldn't bear to see her son marry that shikse, and would it have killed her daughter to dress nice and put on a little makeup sometimes?" #108
"I have a confession to make. Worthington & Associates International Incorporated is just me and my dog."#104
"I want all the money in the world... And after I get it, I want all the money in every other world."#69
Birds of Pray: The Great Eastern Herring-Catcher, The Red-Breasted Stigmata, The Tufted Turkish Warbler, The Keening Irish Grebe#65
Lifestyle magazines for the less-than-affluent: Best Street Corners of the World, Subway Tunnel Life, Car Living, Zagat's Guide to Church Suppers#48
"We'll be boarding our first class passengers first, after which we will then proceed to board the rest of the airport terminal."#46
"Well let me put it this way... By the looks of your waterplane area at the designer's draft, you're far beyond a Panamax."#18
