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"Get in."
#367
"Listen to me, Greg--you need a vacation."
#366
"You may be wondering why I called this meeting..."
#365
"That explains a lot."
#364
"Are you flying for work, or pleasure?"
#363
"Do you ever wonder if where you really belong is out there, in the savanna?"
#362
"I'm growing bored of this tax bracket."
#361
(A whale falls in love with a submarine.)
#360
"Finally, someone who understands me."
#359
"I never have time for myself anymore."
#358
"What do the regulations say about volunteers?"
#357
"So, who'll say the first word?"
#356
"What kind of superhero doesn't have a hashtag?"
#355
"Your jacket, sir?"
#354
"Joe never loved baseball as much as he hated tan lines."
#353
"And do this one if I have broccoli in my teeth."
#352
(The Statue of Liberty is holding a parasol and beach ball.)
#351
"I've never seen one of you outside of Wikipedia!"
#350
"I want people to take me seriously, but still remember that I'm a dog."
#349
"I'm sorry, but Mr. Keane is cocooning right now. Can I take a message?"
#348
"He made it in the letter block bubble."
#347
"I wouldn't mess with this one."
#346
"Have you seen the hibernation weight on Jenny?"
#345
"I'm mostly looking forward to protesting something."
#344
"We've got to downsize our bar but optimize our bite!"
#343
(Mouse deals with mousetrap with a bulldozer.)
#342
"I've been gone a lot lately, but he's adapted quite well."
#341
(A tank races through the desert with two bikes on top.)
#340
"Those are the ones you've got to watch out for."
#339
"You'll never make it with just a rings routine."
#338
"Ditching the flock was the best idea you've ever had."
#337
(A pigeon graffitis an anti-squirrel sign.)
#336
"Thanks, Pal."
#335
(Leprechaun headquarters)
#334
(A soldier paints his helmet in Easter colors.)
#333
"Let's stay calm, folks."
#332
"Following the interview, your resume will be put through our rigorous selection process."
#331
(A snowman hitch-hiking to north.)
#330
"Are we calling same seats?"
#329
(Men in crow costumes surround man dressed as a scarecrow.)
#328
"Quit being a back-seat driver, Jake!"
#327
"Johnsons, you're finally here! Were you able to find that starboard turn at fifteen fathoms forward of the second league?"
#326
(Man evolves from ape and into soldier.)
#325
"And this one's an arts & crafts project by my daughter."
#324
"I feel as though I'm always walking on thin ice."
#323
"Bob! You've never looked healthier!"
#322
"Good news--your cholesterol level has never been better!"
#321
"We're just glad he's out of the teething phase."
#320
(Rooster is drinking coffee at sunrise.)
#319
(A T-Rex's shoelace comes untied.)
#318
"I'm in investment banking, and Julie is a hood ornament model."
#317
"I know he's not much to look at, but wait until you hear his accent."
#316
(A dog uses an ATM alongside its owner.)
#315
"Mark it while you can--this area will be gentrified any year now."
#314
(Dog breaks into dinosaur exhibition of natural history museum.)
#313
(Evolution and devolution on a desert island.)
#312
"Cohen, Klein & Samuels, PLLC, Corporate Outing"
#311
"This is Jacobson, our new grassroots marketing expert."
#310
(Death watches a heartbeat monitor in his living room.)
#309
"Dammit... Acorns!"
#308
"The Family Tree of a Croissant"
#307
"What do you mean you want a 'free-range marriage'?!"
#306
"I never said it's your fault--I said I'm blaming it on you."
#305
"All my former classmates went into academia, and I haven't heard from them since."
#304
"He wants the divorce settlement to include my implants."
#303
"As for your hearing test, you can hear neither diddly nor squat."
#302
"Apparently the only thing I have to look forward to is getting fat."
#301
"What do those Wall Street gurus say about the probability of us ever going out to dinner again?"
#300
"I'm looking for someone tall, dark and carbon neutral."
#299
"Another idiot from the immersion program."
#298
(Couple on a boat is entering the "The Tunnel of TSA Pat-Downs.")
#297
(An egg sits in an office, with a "Grade A" certificate on his wall.)
#296
"And look at where your grades have gotten you!"
#295
"'Rebel,' 'outcast,' call me whatsoever you wish, if anything--but my own path I shall carve in this world, and my own life I shall live!"
#294
Guide Dog Candidates
#293
(Boy surfs wave of snow caused by snow plow.)
#292
"I love how compassionate you are."
#291
"Forget the agenda, Dave--we'll talk until the intrigue is lost."
#290
(Space shuttle pilots are annoyed by crying baby.)
#289
"I'm also a feng shui consultant."
#288
"You needn't worry about me tonight, Don--I'm drinking on a full stomach."
#287
"It's already holiday season?"
#286
"I think the emerging trend is clear--I'm getting very good at this."
#285
"Who sent you?!"
#284
"Oh god, it's Darryl, from last season."
#283
(Climber reaches Guru atop a mountain, in a Wi-Fi zone.)
#282
"I can't say I'm surprised--I've been reading your blog."
#281
"It's the only time of year when I hate having so any legs."
#280
(Two dogs collide in deep snow.)
#279
"I'm definitely not looking for anything long-term."
#278
"Your cholesterol levels are excellent, but you still won't make it past February."
#277
"We're the only ones left that we know."
#276
(Blue-collar worker puts note into suggestion box with drawing of himself in a suit.)
#275
(Highway signs over three lanes read: "Outraged," "Content," and "Miserable.")
#274
(Homelass man holds sign: "Honored Hippocratic Oath.")
#273
"Shall we turn the portraits around before proceeding?"
#272
"Some day, son, I'll have this window cleaned."
#271
"At least we'll have lived as kings."
#270
(Guess Your Terminal Velocity)
#269
"Jacobs, you're a brave rodent."
#268
(Caveman shows off his invention of the wheel, with the first patent number.)
#267
"Wh-wh-what's the rush?"
#266
"Jesus, Gary, who raised you?"
#265
"Rumor has it that they doped the shots with a chemical that suppresses our bonus expectations."
#264
"I hope I never see the day when I can't shirk work."
#263
"Our new healthcare software--with its daily colon-cleansing feature--has shown significant cost benefits."
#262
"I love it here... The coupons have no expiration dates."
#261
"Life should be like Major League Baseball... You scratch yourself and get paid for it."
#260
"The swimmies must be earned!"
#259
(What falls in love with desert island.)
#258
"It's chic."
#257
(Lifeguard on desert island has turned into a skeleton.)
#256
(Man on desert island is angrily writing a note to put in the "Suggestions" box.)
#255
"I hear you're a big shot in New York now..."
#254
(Plane seating: First, Business, Economy, Financial Responsibility, At Least You Have Your Health.)
#253
"I don't recognize anybody!"
#252
(A mouse in a bomb suit approaches cheese in a mousetrap.)
#251
"I'm launching my own jobs program aimed at getting my husband to take out the garbage."
#250
"His grandkids want to know if we can carbon-date him."
#249
"We're in a committed, non-procreative relationship."
#248
"We're staying together for the sake of our assets."
#247
"I've started using conditioner on my whiskers--what do you think?"
#246
"And will you be purchasing oxygen for today's trip?"
#245
"70 virgins is all well and good, but hardly enough to last for eternity."
#244
"If I have anything to say to you, I'll say it on Facebook!"
#243
"He's suffering from a bad case of political depression."
#242
"Rules are rules--I'm still gonna have to sniff your butt."
#241
(People waiting impatiently outside an animal spa.)
#240
"Let's get a urine sample."
#239
("The Smart-Aleck Phone")
#238
(A sniper uses leaves of a palm tree for camouflage on a desert island.)
#237
"Some of you may find my tactics slightly unorthodox at first..."
#236
"1500: The skies above are awash with morbid rounds. The stench of combat pierces the crisp, clear air of winter."
#235
"I uploaded them onto my smartphone."
#234
"I just realigned my chakra like whoa."
#233
"It does add a little bit of weight, but it holds every lucky charm I own."
#232
"You distract him while I place this on his head."
#231
"I'm gonna try a higher caliber."
#230
"Regular or vaccinated?"
#229
"Eugh... Really?"
#228
"Oh no, layers!"
#227
"Guess whaaat?"
#226
(A man cannot fall asleep. Clock above him reads "The Meaning of Life.")
#225
(Smartphones are walking people on leashes: "2016 A.D.")
#224
"First, let's try a text message."
#223
(A man is shot by a cupid's arrow, with a sign: "No cash value.")
#222
"Captain, meet General Phillips."
#221
"Where's the Wi-Fi switch?"
#220
"Cover me, Smith--I'm taking Rufus for a walk!"
#219
"Are you kidding me? It's just the matinee."
#218
"I'm working with my therapist to help me with climate change anxiety."
#217
"With us today to discuss current social media trends is noted Facebook scholar Dr. Zack Sahudi, and head of NYU's Twitter doctoral program, Professor Arthur Shmenk."
#216
"Goddamn it, get me another bubble!"
#215
"He's checking his p-mail."
#214
How to Wear Plaid: On your husband; on your dog; on your shoes.
#213
"So, breast feeding or formula?"
#212
"No, smaller shoes will not reduce your carbon footprint!"
#211
"I broke up with him because he wanted me to sign a pre-sexual relations agreement."
#210
(Man in front of television is reading "TV Ad Guide.")
#209
"Walmart today announced its roadmap for a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine conflicts; it also announced a 99-cent special one-day promotion for frozen chicken nuggets."
#208
"And what, exactly, are you planning to do with that?"
#207
"Good evening. Tonight's international news will be delivered by our foreign correspondent, live and naked in Tangier."
#206
"Famous Straws of History"
#205
"The silent treatment--that's your answer to everything!"
#204
"I don't get it--it's okay for him to drive, but when I try to take the wheel all hell breaks loose."
#203
"The only greenhouse gas emissions I'm interested in reducing are those of my wife and dog."
#202
(Dubious Green Products)
#201
"I just got the new princess app!"
#200
"Where's the milk provision?"
#199
"Good work, Dennis--you may lift your seat another inch."
#198
"I've measured your carbon footprint, and frankly, it's not small enough for me."
#197
"I'm in for four years too, but I presume your contract is in human years."
#196
(Soldier is rappelling down an obstacle wall and finds another soldier sleeping in a climber's tent.)
#195
(Bulldog wears triangular cover, caption reads: "Stealth.")
#194
(Man on desert island holds sign: "Update My Status!")
#193
"He must be from OCS."
#192
"Does that new recruit seem odd to you too?"
#191
(Bulldog urinating on fire hydrant, with caption: "Hind salute!")
#190
"I said it's chow time, not chow chow time!"
#189
(USMC Bulldog stands next to Troupes de Marine Spanish Bulldog.)
#188
"We decorated with smaller rocks to make the space appear bigger."
#187
"Do you have this in vente?"
#186
"She's a vegan."
#185
(A mother is carrying her baby and both are drinking coffee.)
#184
"Honey don't worry--Vito's gay!"
#183
(Man sitting on the street holds sign: "Feed the Homely.")
#182
"As you can see, this exam will count for a large part of your grade."
#181
"Of course it's the same as people food--what else could it be?"
#180
"So that's 271 votes for 'Plymouth' and one vote for 'Bobsylvania'--nice try Bob."
#179
"I find that turning off the lights in my office saves energy and makes it a hellava lot easier to take a nap!"
#178
"What's this 'Killer' app?"
#177
"The Twitter Laptop"
#176
"I see that all your personal references are dead--excellent."
#175
(Messenger pigeon inside a bottle. Caption reads: "Redundancy.")
#174
"Frank learned the hard way that when Tiffany Kuwolsky wrote 'K.I.T.' in his yearbook, she didn't actually mean it."
#173
"The dangers of eating a salmon-rich diet."
#172
"Okay, so who was here first?"
#171
(Crazy man holding up a sign: "Repent or Cherry!")
#170
"How does yours taste?"
#169
(Birds pirched on a street lamp, alongside many birdhouses. Caption reads, "Gentrification.")
#168
"They give me a slimmer, longer look."
#167
"And for me it was between law school or being turned into dinner."
#166
(Baby brings in Jeep toy to car dealership with banner that reads: "Cash for Clunkers.")
#165
(Turkey is holding sign that reads: "The End is Near."
#164
"Who are you again?"
#163
(A turkey with a sign around its neck that reads: "Have swine flu.")
#162
(Ku Klux Klansman holds down his robe as he stands over a street grate.)
#161
"Is it true that you do it through a sheet?"
#160
"He caught bedbugs."
#159
"... And you first met this guy in real life? How do you know he's not some homicidal maniac?"
#158
"Cake is inside."
#157
(Three photographers pass each other, each with a bigger camera than the one before.)
#156
(Hermit crab approaches shell and sees a parking violation ticket at the entrance.)
#155
"All clear!"
#154
"A good warrior, Thompson, must be able to adapt to his surroundings!"
#153
"I don't know but I've been told, look both ways to cross the road!"
#152
"Cover me, Johnson--I've gotta tweet this!"
#151
"Whatever"
#150
(Street musician has sign: "Tips." Businessman has sign: "Bonuses.")
#149
"There goes the neighborhood."
#148
(Birds perched on a street lamp with designated handicap space.)
#147
(Pedestrian traffic light displays: "Don't Walk," "Sure, give it a shot.")
#146
"Do you twitter?"
#145
"I can't go when you're looking."
#144
(Pigeons perched on a street lamp, with a roll of toilet paper nearby.)
#143
"OK, it's agreed then--our Corporate Sustainability Committee will be replaced by a Corporate Survival Committee."
#142
"I'm dealing with the usual spring allergies to my wife."
#141
"So a house salad for the lady, and for the gentleman, whatever has fallen on the floor."
#140
(Unpopular Magazines: Sports Injuries, Modern Plowing, Second-Hand Men's Clothing Monthly, Mildew World, Drunk Life.)
#139
"The problem with your dog, ma'am, is that it's a cat."
#138
(Building has sign: "Tiny Tots Daycare." A smaller sign says "Night Deposit.")
#137
(Mouse is standing on a sidewalk, holding sign: "Will work for cheese.")
#136
"I broke up with Henry, but I'm dating his avatar."
#135
"Good morning! A fog of uncertainty will settle over Washington this afternoon, as the budget debate continues. In the southeast, a storm of foreclosures is expected to move in after midnight while there's no end in sight to the fiscal drought on the West
#134
"I'm working on a milk app."
#133
"I can see the future, and it includes acne, divorce and more diapers."
#132
(Sign on baby's playpen reads: "Bank Foreclosure.")
#131
(Newsstand has signs: "Lottery Tickets," "Bank Assets.")
#130
"That isn't dark matter, sir--you just forgot to take off the lens cap."
#129
"Care to expand on your new idea?"
#128
"Did you come home drunk last night?"
#127
"Sorry ladies--we have mandatory weight limit restrictions for shopping here."
#126
Bank President Commemorative Stamps
#125
"His stimulus package is nothing to brag about--I should know."
#124
"The Shifting Flesh of Time"
#123
"What appointment? I thought you would know."
#122
"Couldn't you think of anything better to buy with your tax refund?"
#121
(Sign reads: "Welcome to Pineville. Enjoy our scenic views!")
#120
"Yeah, a lot of people are surprised to find out that saying 'frickin' is just as bad."
#119
"Oh yeah? Well I'm Jack Marvin and I say you'll have to make an appointment with my secretary!"
#118
"So, this is where they make the postcards?"
#117
"I'm working with my therapist on toilet-training trauma."
#116
"I've decided to diversify my assets."
#115
"Well you're no knight in shining armor, but this is good enough!"
#114
"Oh... Then which button turns on the wipers?"
#113
"I have lots of opinions about things I don't know about. I deal with derivatives."
#112
"Your room will be ready shortly. They're almost finished dusting for prints."
#111
"Hey, Greg! That one looks just like you!"
#110
"If he'd stopped smoking 20 years ago, he'd be alive today--She never saw a piece of cheesecake she didn't like."
#109
"Couldn't bear to see her son marry that shikse, and would it have killed her daughter to dress nice and put on a little makeup sometimes?"
#108
(no caption)
#107
"No, I've never seen him before either."
#106
"This can't be right. Your chart shows you're not smoking enough!"
#105
"I have a confession to make. Worthington & Associates International Incorporated is just me and my dog."
#104
(Two tombstones read: "Beloved Wife," "Beloved Husband.")
#103
Police Blotter (Cotters Corner, Kansas)
#102
"She rebalanced her portfolio and I didn't make the cut."
#101
(no caption)
#100
"Yes, I'm being vetted this week."
#99
"What do you mean you have plans this weekend?"
#98
"At least your mother can't stop by unannounced."
#97
"I'm sorry, he can't be disturbed right now--he's rebalancing his portfolio."
#96
(Bathroom signs read: men, women, none of your damn business)
#95
"She claims she's only 4 months, but everyone knows she's at least 6."
#94
"He called me an underperforming asset, and said I had to go!"
#93
(Two teens walking, saying: "Like, like, like! Like, like...")
#92
"Your calculations were correct, sir... We're stuck in Nebraska."
#91
"And that is how my ex-wife's family descended from apes... Any questions?"
#90
"Good try, caller four... Caller five, do you know where I left my keys?"
#89
"It really hurts my feelings when you change the play like that."
#88
"I'm really more interested in the big picture."
#87
Hot Yoga
#86
"She divorced him when she found out he wasn't recession-proof."
#85
"Excuse me, but did you just 'moo' when I turned around?"
#84
"It sure looks like human anguish to me."
#83
"Whoa, whoa, whoa--What did you say happens to me when I sting somebody?"
#82
"Easy Jim--The Waiter had no idea how you felt about cabbage."
#81
"Yes, I've decided that sheep are the next big thing."
#80
"I lost the lottery."
#79
"Lesson 22—No turns. I can't stress this one enough, people."
#78
"Well, no wonder... It's set on strobe."
#77
"Just a good combing."
#76
"I don't care if it's your new job—I'm still calling you 'Barry.'"
#75
"Too bad we're not going to remember this."
#74
"Yes, it does hurt to see you again, Bob. You're standing on my foot."
#73
"Yes, you made your dislike of fetching very clear in paragraph four."
#72
"I've got a terrible drinking problem—I can't stand the taste of liquor."
#71
"It's something with her knee... There's no time for questions, damnit! We must get there!!!"
#70
"I want all the money in the world... And after I get it, I want all the money in every other world."
#69
"And now, the news. I'm doing just fine."
#68
"Well, yeah, that beats my Arizona trip. But c'mon, NASA did most of the work for you."
#67
The Reality Show Channel (Kirby, Nebraska)
#66
Birds of Pray: The Great Eastern Herring-Catcher, The Red-Breasted Stigmata, The Tufted Turkish Warbler, The Keening Irish Grebe
#65
"Good evening. There is no news today."
#64
"No, it's 'Roi' with an 'i'... My parents are economists."
#63
"My wife is on the 'I-refuse-to-accept-the-fact-that-I’m-turning-50-next-year' diet."
#62
"Good evening. We'll begin tonight's newscast with five minutes of deep breathing exercises."
#61
"They're thinking pre-school, but I'm thinking of hitching across Europe."
#60
"Photos of the ride?"
#59
"Just so we're clear about this, you did not take my virginity—I gave it to you willingly."
#58
"And this one provides a balance between the primary colors."
#57
(no caption)
#56
"I'm looking forward to hair."
#55
"Honey, the cows have come home!"
#54
"Greetings! Can I interest you in our new calling card plan?"
#53
(no caption)
#52
"2B, or not 2B..."
#51
"Once every so often it occurs to me that I'm only from Brooklyn."
#50
"You were my type until you acknowledged me."
#49
Lifestyle magazines for the less-than-affluent: Best Street Corners of the World, Subway Tunnel Life, Car Living, Zagat's Guide to Church Suppers
#48
"I heard Chad flunked toilet training."
#47
"We'll be boarding our first class passengers first, after which we will then proceed to board the rest of the airport terminal."
#46
"Sorry. I just pooped."
#45
"He's decided it's time to re-partner."
#44
(no caption)
#43
"I've decided to stay home full time with Murray, our goldfish."
#42
"It's still not clear to me where Obama stands on milk."
#41
"Things started out well, then I spit up all over him."
#40
"Looks like just another dick-flick to me."
#39
"Yes, he's my husband, but it's a largely ceremonial role."
#38
(no caption)
#37
"What do you take for gas?"
#36
"I see the cows have come home."
#35
(no caption)
#34
(no caption)
#33
"Have you tried that new vanilla-latte-frappacino formula? It's fabulous."
#32
"She's got a little too much baby fat, if you ask me."
#31
"Corrosion shmorrosion—I said I want it chromed!"
#30
"Yikes! Love may be blind, but I'm not!"
#29
"He's awfully cute, but I just can't get along with Scorpios."
#28
"Ha! I saw him wearing the same thing yesterday!"
#27
"Eye-eye this, eye-eye that. . . Quit rubbing it in already!"
#26
"The problem is—you're very girly, but, like—you don't think like a girl."
#25
"Help! I've fallen in love and I can't get up!"
#24
"Outta my way, St. Patzer!"
#23
(no caption)
#22
"The new digitized uniforms are turning out to be very unreliable."
#21
"You can grow up to be anything you want to be... Just not a King."
#20
"I never knew the Greeks were so interested in physics."
#19
"Well let me put it this way... By the looks of your waterplane area at the designer's draft, you're far beyond a Panamax."
#18
"I thought we all agreed to stop using the caldron as a jacuzzi."
#17
"I can't stand booty calls."
#16
"This year, we're making it kosher."
#15
"You're a web designer? Me too!"
#14
"Sellout!"
#13
"It's minimalism."
#12
"Jesus is coming? There's no time to bake a cake, we'll have to improvise!"
#11
"Sorry, but this hibernation thing just isn't for me. I'm out of here."
#10
"We have just received insider news that Jesus has resurrected. We must make the most of this opportunity."
#9
"Oh great, I overslept."
#8
"We can double our profits by selling bottled bottled water."
#7
"Aha! I own that square, so pay up!"
#6
A Sicilian Pepperoni Pizza
#5
(no caption)
#4
"I finally got that woofer you've been telling me to get."
#3
"Hey! Watch where you're stepping!"
#2
"Investors are not happy with our double black diamond performance."
#1